how very strange, to apply myself to a new blog submission. i thought it all came to an end. my life recently has been full of secrets from the outside world. countlessly, i've wanted to pour my heart out over the past few months but some invisible barrier managed to bottle it all in. somehow, i felt more comfortable and familiar with the idea of a personal journal rather than to share it with anyone and everyone. so the past eventful months will be a secret, probably an experience that i will bury beneath the surface of every conversational topic.
my life overall could be summed up as bland, but beneath the surface, it is so chaotic, eventful and challenging. perhaps the real challenge is realising that it has been challenging. all this time, through this journey month after month, i've swallowed everything. lose a friend, swallow the reality, shrug my shoulders and move on. meet a wonderful person, find ways to get rid of them, swallow the reality, shrug my shoulders and move on. encounter a particular incident, swallow the reality, shrug my shoulders and move on.
i guess, in a selfish sense i can say to myself that i've been going through a lot more in life than to sit back and emotionally drown myself in the minor problems such as unresolved friendship conflicts/fucking off friends/misunderstandings/misinterpretations. but hey, if that isn't classed as minor problems in your eyes, and that makes me wrong in more than one way, what can i say? i'm wrong. different people have different opinions and perspectives. =) friends don't matter to me as much as they would matter to others. so what? that makes me a bitch in your eyes. this is when your opinion of me wont matter, because i will love and treat all those i care about with all my energy and respect if you are worthy of it in my eyes. and if you have done something unforgivable enough for me to give up on our friendship, that was your fault, not mine. pardon me, it was my fault, for fucking you off, it was your fault for fucking up.
i haven't been myself for an entire year and it really shows through to those that have known me for quite some time. i know i haven't been the best person lately all due to my limited patience that has grown on me. and now it's become this big black thing hovering about me for so long now. i had a heart of gold, but now right and wrong empowers that empathy in me and i don't have the mind space to tolerate anything or step back and do my head over which people are worth fighting for and which one's aren't. suddenly every person, every 'friend' who tests my patience isn't worth fighting for and the saddest thing is that i don't care
am i supposed to miss them? am i supposed to feel better about myself? am i supposed to step back and repair the friendship and feel sorry for letting them go so easily? am i supposed to complain or whinge all the time or exhaustingly keep it all in after getting screwed in the back by you an endless number of times and then continuously be the one saying sorry-i.miss.you-forgive.me for your faults?
tell me then, when i realise i'm needing to move on to bigger and better things, why does it make you so bitter? why do you build up so much hate? why find so many bullshitted reasons to seek the ultimate revenge? are you just trying to get a response from me? do you want my attention? do you want me to play my part and restore our friendship? well this certainly isn't the way to go, because it's just making your existence more oblivious to me.
maybe it's possible. maybe i could miss them.
maybe, it would be worth it, if they weren't so vengeful.
so do me a favour. before you go around, telling the world that i am an unworthy friend/bad person/heartless bitch that screwed up your life because i legitimately had a reason to fuck you off, think twice about what you say to others and don't ever forget the things that i have done for you when you once mattered to me.
